I now am starting to write on my dA so please from here on out, my entries shall be there~

http://a--y--a.deviantart.com

First of all to all the people who wanted to go all 4 but only went a few, I'm sorry you missed it... for everyone who missed it completely and wanted to go... I pity you even more.

AX 08 was the most memorable experience for me at a con, it totally rivals my 08 ALA experience.

The main events weren't all that amazing but the Exhibit Hall, Artist Alley, gatherings, and as usual, the cosplay, was all awesome.

My line up was as follows:
Day 0: Lenne from FFX-2
Day 1: Tifa Lockhart from FFVII: AC
Day 2: Kairi from KH II
Fujioka Haruhi from Ouran High School Host Club
Formal Tifa from FFVII:AC (customization)
Day 3: Haku from Naruto
ANBU Haku (briefly) from Naruto (customization)
Kisaragi Yuffie from FFVII: AC
Kairi from KHII
Day 4: Kisaragi Yuffie from FFVII: AC

I'm awaiting shoots I've received from certain photographers, especially my Tifa ones I think I'm gonna look horrible in... but anyway... I guess I should say why it was so awesome.

EDIT: I got them and they look awesome^^ (ty Mike!!)

Day 0 exp:
I got glomped and photographed before walking into the pre reg line. The pre-reg line was pretty quick and so I had time to hangout with my counterpart Yuna which was Jenn. I saw Christina who effen rocked her Rikku outfit and Eurobeat King asked for our pictures which was awesome. Hmmmm let's see... I think that was it I guess.

Day 1 exp:
Tifa Lockhart AX debut!! I had fun this day hanging with Gina and Jenn, James, Jeanie, and Priscilla (If I spelled any of your names wrong I'm sorry!). I had tons of pics taken with Jenn and Gina, then later on muchly with James. Lunchy time was of sushi, which completed one of Jenn's tasks for the summer, and I ended up doing a food run for Roman. After lunches, my entourage went to the Exhibit Hall where I bought a wig which turned out to have no bangs so I was pretty mad about wasting $35. Mmmmm we sat around again after the Exhibit Hall and Jenn bought me ice cream which was damn yum yums~ After a while we went to the dance and that wasn't too fun... Jenn you dance really crazy and aggressive lol.
Instead of wasting the first night, Gina, James, and I went to watch Anime Singled out which was soooo perverted and useless to go to. James left and Gina and I went to meet up with Jenn again. We said our goodbyes and then some person got separated from her friends so we ended up trying to help her out. We found the person she was looking for and helped find the lost person, thus ending my night I guess, with a good deed...??

Day 2 exp:
Kairi AX debut!! Okay this day was freaking awesome. I went to go visit Roman and stole a Paopu (sorry I didn't sell!) and then... I went to meet up with Jenn, Gina, Priscilla, and some other people going to the KH gathering. There was a lot of people there and I met up with my Sora (Taylor AKA blueheart29 [go see her DA, she's an awesome Sora!]). We ate icey cream bars at the gathering so that was yum yums~ After the KH Gathering I went to tag along with Taylor, Chase, and Evelyn (sorry if I spelled that wrong!) + Organization XIII people. We sat and just relaxed inside the con and after a few refreshments and such we went to the Exhibit Hall and went shoppings~ We raided a KH T-shirt booth and had a few laughs. Oh by the way... We could barely move while in the Exhibit Hall...
We got stopped every like 5 steps to take a picture, and when one person takes your picture, a whole group of people seize the opportunity to do so also. It was cool at first then it just was like... "Can we please get through...??" We went to a boba + foods booth at the hall and then part of us went out separate ways to go change for the Ouran High School Gathering. The Sora and I went back to the Westin to change our outfits, her being Honey and me being Haruhi.
At the Ouran High School Gathering, it was pretty legit I guess... I wish some people would've stepped up and actually looked like their characters a bit more though. There was actually twins who made out for pictures, which was slightly disturbing on top of that they were sisters so... Anyway!! After that Gathering, Taylor, Evelyn, and I decided we wanted to change into other stuffs. Taylor went back to Sora and me to my formal Tifa. I didn't end up going to the masquerade ball and just experienced an FFVII turn based fight which I should put up on youtube soon lol. Look up "AX 08 FFVII Fight !!" cuz that's what I'm gonna call it.
After the fight I received a call from Roman to meet up with Cat and himself as well, Cat looked stunning as ever and I finally saw Taylor with her real hair through pictures lol. After all that jazz of sitting down and such, I went back to the Westin with Evelyn and Taylor to change back into Kairi then to go eat foods. I had some really yum yum Chinese food and savored it. After the meal Taylor was panicking about getting her stuff back from the locked hotel room, we ended up waiting too long and she had to go (she later came back and got it though, yay!) and I ended up going to the dance which turned out to be pretty meh... so I went back to the Westin to get ready for day 3.

Day 3 exp:
Day 3 was okay but at night it got interesting. I reused Haku and wore an ANBU outfit under, expecting Jay, who didn't show up, to attend AX. I ended up coming to the conclusion that he left and did not wear my ANBU Haku long nor attend the Naruto Gathering. It got really effing hot in my Haku outfit so I went back to the Westin to change into... wait for it... and I hope you like ninjas cuz itsYuffie! that's right I debuted my Yuffie outfit and thought I was an okay one compared to some others. My weapon broke which was pretty effen lame so I had to turn it into Roman. Let's see... I met up with Andrew, Nichta, Jackson and others and talked briefly then departed to go hangout with Jenn, Gina, Priscilla, and James for a short while.
After I sat around with them I went to go meet up with Taylor and tagged along with her til she had to go to the Masquerade. The line was effen long so I passed and went to go hang with Jenn and crew. Played Time Crisis for a while then Gina, Jenn, and Priscilla went to go change for the dance leaving me and James to wander around a while. We went to artist alley and ended up doing a hugely long food run... I hated how long and how expensive some food is at AX... but anyway it was good! After that we went to the all ages dance to jam and that was pretty fun, met an awesome guy named Kris and the dance ended with an M-flo imitation show.
I ran into Tiffany after the dance who I actually ran into a few times earlier that day. She escorted me back to my hotel and helped me change into my Kairi outfit. After changing I went back to the con and separated from Tiffany after catching up on a few things. I went to meet with Gina and a friend and we entered the dance together. Kris was there again and so that was cool, and I danced more than the other days I was there at AX.
I went back to the Westin with Kris and we went to hangout for a while at the lobby before going to bed. Day 4 was on its way... dammit...

Day 4:
Message received! My weapon was put back together for Yuffie yay! I picked that up from Roman and went to the last gathering I planned to attend, the FINAL FANTASY Gathering which I didn't stay for very long. =| Last day was pretty depressing in the beginning because of a few things building up and Taylor left early so i was like... meh even more. Kris didn't end up going that day so I was pretty meh about that too. I got bored and ended up meeting with Jenn, Gina, Priscilla and some guys I had met the night before. Jenn and Gina + the guys left and Priscilla and I ended up meeting with an FFVII crew. I spend the rest of the con with them and ended up having tons of fun. We even managed to exchange some contact info to keep in touch and wanted to form an FFVII crew. We teased James for a while who was dressed and acted like Cloud and then we like did more fun stuff haha. I missed the closing ceremony and Don took Gerald and I home... We had McDonald's.
Anyway... I talked to Kris later that day and then it pretty much hit me that AX was all over... I turned on FFXI and was just meh the whole day. I'm pretty sure this feeling will carry on a while. Someone save me... someone... take me to back to AX while still having the awesome memories I had! >.<

Anime Expo 2009 is gonna be at LACC again!! Yay! LACC, I underestimated the quality and capacity of your funess, you showed me up... lol. I hope you lower your food prices next year and have better functionaing escalators! but until then THANK YOU FOR ANIME EXPO 2008! *bows*

See you all next year. <3
~Aya

so I'm hungry and eating lame food... and it's making me want this more:



ya... if there's anything i can eat over and over it'd be sushi... like honestly no joke... I can have it more than once a week. and since i eat a ton of it, I gain my full without gaining weight.

but let's see...

OMG AX in...7 days ish! 1 weeeeeek!!!

my line up consists of:
Tifa Lockheart - Final Fantasy VII: AC
Yuffie Kisaragi (maybe) - Final Fantasy VII: AC
Kairi - Kingdom Hearts 2
Tojo Aya - Ichigo 100%
Lenne - Final Fantasy X-2
ANBU Haku - Naruto (customization)
Haku (maybe) - Naruto

dunno what order tho >.<

AX is gonna be legendary!!

lol lots of things happened since I last wrote... Jenn and I are pretty much over what was between us cuz we could talk about it pretty damn easily. uh I watch this show called "How I Met Your Mother" which is awesome and where I get cool phrases. =3 Neil Patrick Harris AKA Barney Stinson = hero! let's see... what else is new... oooo i became in charge for this skit for a masquerade... i decided to call it the "Heart of Dance" (more details later) and btw if people jack my idea I will find you and kill u with a plastic straw... cuz that's wassup. its gonna be fun!!

anyway i think that's all for now, take care everyone!

and instead of God Bless... Have Good Karma! =D

SO... okay a lot of new things went down...

First of all, I'm single again... (yay...kinda.) secondly, PCN's over, thirdly >> I pretty much solved all the beef I have with the people that matter, and i guess finally, the school year's about to end.

Honestly I don't know whether to be happy or unhappy... I mean cuz like... I'm leaving the place that pretty much restricted who I'm supposed to really be. I'm leaving all immature bitch faces and going to a new place where I can full out be myself, personality-wise and like... looks wise especially. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee for looking like a girl more!

I noticed and realized that when fighting with people it only made me feel like bleh a lot... So I talked to the ones who needed to be talked to because in reality I care for these people a lot.

It's as if I feel like I'm at my high but at the same time at my low... I feel somewhat empty but content... like "I sit within the grasslands that encompass me... and feel the winds under the moonlit shadow." emo?? contemplative?? I don't know what I want right now.

I feel like I wanna be useful to someone, but to who exactly??

I have too many of these contemplative sides. I actually wish they'd eventually stop.

Wow it's been a good long time since I put something in this thing... So uh... where should i starts...

Okay so uh Easter Break is like about to end real soon... 50 mins or so... so let's see...

Tons of PCN practice... uh... lots of fun dressing up time (tee-hee)... lots of going out... some Brawls! uh... clarity amongst a few things, and a really interesting... mmmm turn of events in my love life.

PCN practice... I kind of just want you to end already and have our damn show... kinda tired of having this one person ignore me when I ask for help in something... hella makes me feel degraded. Kinda tired of like being to practice most of the time and having people make excuses of why they can't go... tired of me learning too slow... blah just end already... april 26 come quick.

Dressing up... gosh I just noticed how much of a girl I am... and how I turn on more people~ Major loving of my life at those moments~ Compliments from friends... and my significant other too... I wish I could dress up more girlie all the time...

I went out like crazy this break... lots of movie-ing lots of hanging out at someone's house, a hint of lil Tokyo... a lot of people coming over my house... lots more of movies... 21 was awesome by the way... but Vegas was never that flashy I think, at least to me haha.

Smash Bros Brawl... Sonic, Zelda, and Zero Suit = me top threeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, all so fun to be~ me have no wi-fi so that's the only lame part... but other than that... OMG SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEE! lol funny codec scenes =3

Mmmmm serious talk time... I think I realized finally who my friends really are and who are just dealing with me or like using me... I kind of made a decision to kinda isolate myself from the people that I usually hangout with cuz I was just being like... fake around them I guess and never was happy when I was around them. But yah... I think I'd be happy if I was hanging with the people I'm usually with in dance even though I'm scared they might kinda reject me?-ish?

Love life.... I guess I was right about the whole never get a significant other til 18 or near the end of high school. or something! It's been both hard and enjoyable at the same time... and not in that way for those of you who have your minds in the gutters... Jenn Ung you're amazing and quite a demon lol but I totally love you <3.

But that's about it... uh I guess I'll try.... to write more some other time but yah.

Today was the last day of AX and I have to admit it was fun but coulda been better.

I cosplayed for all 5 days:
Pre-con: L from Death Note (too many L's!)
1st day: Haku from Naruto (a lot too)
2nd day: ANBU Itachi from Naruto (kept falling apart)
3rd Day: Tojo Aya from Ichigo 100% (total success but no one knew who I was from)
4th day: Haku once again

Day One:
I was Haku once again after a long time of it being unused, but this time I had another element that completed my cosplay better than ever: make-up. People asked for a picture about 5 mins after we parked at the lot. The make-up helped me have a more feminine look and I easily tricked a few people that I was a girl. How do I know? The words "Excuse me miss, you dropped your badge." kind of gave me the message. I was lacking a head protector for my outfit too but I purchased that later on at the exhibition hall. Don and Adrian were Q and Dudley and they were recognized so that was a good first experience for them.
The opening ceremony was okay, the SOS Brigade wasn't there so I was a bit disapointed. The first stop after the opening ceremony was the arcade in the Westin hotel. It was smaller than last year but packed as always, I barely played anything this year. After Westin it was off to the exhibition hall, it was huge as always and packed with stuff to buy. I didn't buy anything really but some people asked for a picture so that was good.
Uh... what else... Before the SOS panel we had to line up to get in... I thought they were gonna give autographs too but I didn't have anything to get them to sign. This one fellow otaku offered to sell posters and pics with the three characters from SOS, i bought two... one for 20 and another for 10. On to the SOS panel... The SOS panel, wow it was awesome, I was able to see one of my favorite voice actors, Hirano Aya. Actually seeing the real people behind the voices of the cast of Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu was awesome. Hirano Aya, Minori Chihara, and Yuko Goto all amazed me, Minori-san sounded way different than usual, kind of wierd but also a good experience.
After that I just wandered around, saw a few of my friends again then changed to casual wear. Then I met someone new... well not new because I saw her last year but began talking this year. She was on Anime Singled-Out, and ended up with some random guy haha. That basically concluded my night, after Don was done with Death Note we headed home. Near 12am-1am I think.

Day 2:
Itachi ANBU cosplay didnt stick like I thought it would, stupid velcro... Don, Adrian, and I went to go meet up with Dustin, Omar and everyone else for the SOS autograph signing. They canceled it and gave us crappy seating tickets for the SOS Invasion concert. We vowed to get on the line the next day around 5am to get closer to the line. We seperated from the line and I ran into Christina, Cha, Angela, and Roman. AFter a while, I asked Roman where to peace bond my weapon and he didn't know, Christina did and we seperated from the 3 to get my weapon peace bonded.
I spent like most of the day with Christina and Tiffany. After the peacebonding of my sword we planned to walk down the stairs and just sit for a while to figure out what we wanna do. On our way down someone asked for a pic of Christina and I, I took off my bag dropped it along with my badge grabbed my sword, and BAM! i posed. Christina was all "WHOA!" and she posed too. Well after a while Christina and I headed over to Gerald's room, and we talked about hotels, cosplay, a certain annoyance, fixed ourselves up, and actually I met another one of Gerald's friends Mei. We headed out and Christina, seperated from me and Gerald. Gerald and I went over to the exhibition hall and I met up with Tiffany at the entrance.
Tiffany and I seperated from Gerald at the Nippon Ichi Software booth and Tiffany and I walked around the convention and mostly through artist alley. We checked out a few people and took pics with them, especially the person who plays Ando from "Heroes." Tiffany and I debated over who looked hot and stuff and we had to stop a lot because of the failure velcro I used. After a while of walking we ran into Cat and her gang of Loveless peoples. Took pics, made the Tiffany we met with jealous because of my premiere seating I had. The concert was near so I decided to walk over to the arena line up. I seperated with Tiffany after she bought me a water and we headed to the line.
The concert was delayed like all the others and that was ,alright, I was gonna see Aya and the rest sing the songs I liked from the series. Sadly though, they were late with their words so it didn't turn out to be a good concert music-wise. Johnny Yong Bosch... oh man that guy's crazy, former black ranger too. The concert was fun still, I got what I paid for I guess. After the concert, I went to the Hyatt and met up with Jay and Jullien, we had a good time meeting up again, we ate then just kind of wandered places. We went to see AX Idol but I went ahead for seating and found Don. After AX Idol, Don and I ended up going home, 12am-1amish again.

Day 3:
School girl outfit comeback!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I woke up at 4:30am to get ready to head to AX. I suited up, got make-up put on, and ate b4 Don came. I looked more convincing than last year I'm told by many. Anyway we went to pick up Adrian like always and we headed over to the con at the time we wanted to, around 6amish or something. The autograph line got longer and so we waited for a few hours... okay FIVE hours and then the AX staff tells us... we're not able to let them sign any personal items we brought. So I thought... shoot you just wasted 30 dollars. A few more minutes go by and then they tell us... we've been cut off. SO we wasted time, sleeping time basically to wait for something we were not gonna get.
While waiting in shock... still in line I get a call from Cha, then Christina telling them to meet me near the stairs we lined up under. They told me I pulled off the look better than last year and Cha redid my eyeliner. I separated from Don and the rest and Cha later left... then Roman, then Angela... so again, Christina and I wandered around until we got to the Kingdom Hearts gathering. Nicole and Troy met up with us and eventually Christina and I got all bored again. I was hungry and so we decided to go eat at the Hyatt's restaurant, I used my hidden voice so I wouldn't really confuse anyone, other than that... damn good food. After the meal, we all separated again and I decided to go meet with Ashton and Cathy.
Again I was complimented by Cathy and Ashton because I looked really convincing. The biggest problem I had that day... going to the restroom, when I walked into the restroom tons of people were staring at me, so I had to keep talking or make sure no one was really in it, oh man the first time was quite an experience. Ashton, Cathy, and I walked out of the theater and met a few people... one of which was absolutely hot, purple hair yay! Ashton decided to let Cathy and I just go ahead and do whatever, so we headed to the exhibition hall and got Ashton a certain bag. mmmm After that we went to go eat at the Hyatt again, met with two other people, and eventually Ashton came.
Again, Ashton had to leave with someone, and the ones left, including me, just ended up walking to the arcade. Time Crisis was fun as always, but I disliked playing solo. The arcade became lame again so we decided to head to Gameworks. Cathy bought me a card and I eventually got mine to work, I think I spent about 45 dollars on arcades, stupid stuffed toy machines... Anyway! Ashton met up with us after a while, but actually... Cathy ended up leaving with the person she was hanging out with, so Ashton and I played Time Crisis, died, and went on to DDR.
My girly-ness was again proven because someone had screamed out "Damn! She playin' on expert!" I'm never playing DDR again in a schoolgirl outfit while its blazing hot in the room... without water! My make up was a lil messed up but Ashton and I decided that it was time to go to the masquerade. We did and we later met up with Christina again who was basically just wandering, as we enetered the arena, people stopped Christina from coming in because of her keyblades. That was lame of them so I just decided to hang with her instead. Christina and I sat at the fountain and talked for a good long while, Christina you're awesome!
After the fountain Christina felt like singing and I wanted to hear her do so, so karaoke it was! Christina and I talked more while we heard the random people we saw sing, some guy kept staring at me which freaked me out... kinda. Someone took my picture and said my schoolgirl style was "original"? O.o Christina and I talked more until it was her turn to sing "Ryuusei" from Naruto. After that, Christina's cousin and her cousin's friend came so we had to head out near the fountain again. They all left and so I decided to call Don to pick me up, as I waited... the funniest thing happened.
"Excuse me, I don't mean to offend you but I hate to see people wait alone." said a random guy who decided to sit next to me. I was like "O.O" for real as I shook his hand. Basically... that was really a way to end my night haha... Day 3 was the best.

Day 4:
I woke up later than usual because it was the last day. I cosplayed as Haku again because Christina and Cat didn't get a chance to see me in it. Don, Adrian, and I ended up going to the exhibition hall first to make our last minute purchases before they kicked us out of the exhibition hall. I ran into Cat luckily and she complimented me on how well I did Haku, "I didn't even notice it was you!" she said... something like that. Later on while separated from Don and Adrian I ran into Cathy and talked for a bit til she departed. After the exhibition hall I was panicking about certain things...
That day was really difficult in some ways seeing as how I didn't bring my cellphone, I was thinking... "What if I don't run into the people I want to today?" but somehow, I did! (yay!) I met with Cha, Angela, Roman, Christina, and some new person I met that day, Stephen (spelling correct?). I told everyone about what had happened last night and you know... I decided to pull out the clicker to keep track of how many checked me out obviously or talked to me about it. SEVENTEEN BABY! 17 people are who I caught staring at me in that way or talked to me. While talking with everyone lots of people began to ask for our pictures on their way down or up the stairs we were hanging out on. After a bunch of pics and a lil more chatting, we... you guessed it... separated. I stuck with Christina and Stephen, while the rest went somewhere else. My group walked to the convention hall mostly through artist alley and we just sat there for a while.
Stephen left and Gerald came to take the empty slot. Christina was constantly asked for picture taking (sorry ms. popular!) and I was too... just not as much >.> Anyway I noticed some guys kept staring at us and it irritated me. So we ended up moving to go toward the Hyatt for food, but whaddya know... they closed. After the disappointment of seeing closed food stores we decided to head to the fountain because Christina and her cousins were going to get picked up soon. We stopped near a possible seating area, took pictures of a Vaan then sat and talked again.
Christina's ride came and so we said our goodbyes like... 10 times or so (haha) and after that some people wanted my picture on the way back to Gerald's hotel room. A lil girl asked to take a picture with me and so I said yes, she did a ninja pose and I was like "awwwwwww!" then posed with her. At Gerald's hotel room, I practically obliderated the junk food, (again I'm sorry!). We flipped through the channels, watched a lil news, then stopped at friends. Mei came in after a while to change up and so I called Don up and he said to head to the closing ceremony. Mei ran quickly ahead of us then part of Gerald's badge that said "4-day Attendee" was missing, so he went back to go find it.
Alone, I pressed on ahead and entered the arena. As I passed through the seating two other Haku's greeted me, I passed them while I didn't know I passed Don too. I found seating somewhere up front, and then some video started playing. It was about two Mexican otaku, they were speaking about Dragon-something... Gol I think, and they were pretty much arguing until it got to the point of real fighting... well not real but like... live anime fighting... it was great... tons of haha's everywhere and good special effects.
The closing ceremony began shortly after and tons of people disagreed with what the host had to say... MANY PEOPLE! The guests of honor arrived and again Hirano Aya wasn't present T-T although Goto Yuko and Minori Chihara were there. ^^ Oreskaband seemed to be a hit with everyone, I listened to some of their music and it was good actually. After a while the ceremony ended with the second eye of a good luck doll being filled. That marked the true ending of AX.
Don and I headed to the parking lot, wanting another day, like a lot of other people I know. AX OVA promo? That would be cool. Oh well another year... see ya then Anime Expo!

It's been a loooooonnnnnnng time since I've written and I'm out of the sad mode for now I guess. But anyway AX is coming up soon! I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited about it, but I have to work on my cosplay~ working on it sucks, the final products should turn out very nicely I hope, I really wanna do good on the Mithran Ninja.

But anyway let's seeeeeeeeeeeee.
I still haven't finished Driver's Ed, and I should be doing that now, but... I'm not but I should. I'll do it later tonight, or after this. I also have to work on AP Art stuff so that'll be fun.

OH! I got tickets to see the SOS Invasion concert for AX!!!!!!!!!
I get to see one of the most talented voice actors of Japan: Hirano Aya!

I honestly can't wait but then I could use some time because of cosplay.

Well until next time,
Stay classy... Planet Earth.

Today just proved that this week sucked.

I'm so mad about how things are right now, and I've already tried solving them all but it doesn't ever friggin' change! I'm so mad at myself and mad at people who just attempt to degrade me by saying stuff that's not even necessary. They put on this mask or whatever that gives me the image of: FUCK OFF ALREADY! No one likes you, you stupid emo bitch who has no life and blah blah blah!

1. I'm not emo, just irritated.
2. Work Time Fun (WTF if you're dumb) is emo now a days? something called depression BITCHES!
3. I forgot homework to do.
4. My grades declined.
5. I dislike a vast amount of people right now.

If anyone can find the cure to a headache such as this. Allow me to have some.

Thanks,
The Unlucky Star

I got bored so I decided to write. Back to school, I'm kinda sorta glad I'm back. Although I get sleepy in class more than ever, I get occupied and stop thinking about everything bad that's happened. My contacts are still no fair, my left one is making me irritated sometimes. I think I'm going to sleep early today, hurray!

That's all for now~
Oyasumi-nasai~

So I started thinking again today, especially about what what I did to someone. The person, who I said I started developing a hate for, that person's right. I won't beg for forgiveness, I won't ask for a friend request, no, I know what I did was messed up on many levels. Instead of my usual trying to settle things, I tried an approach that was different, harsh, and uncalled for. What do I get in return, a statement identifying what this person thinks of me, which was what I wanted.

I was mad to see this individual laugh at it indirectly, however, this person was right, I do certain things to escape from my reality because I DO suck. I stated before that my self-esteem is low, and I guess that just adds on to the fact I suck right? If your reading this right now, and your the person this is directed to, I'd like to try and settle things again, even though it means that it'll be hard to gain your trust back. This time however, I won't sugar coat things anymore, I'm gonna do what you do and be straight up about it all. I guess I should say thank you, you've brought me back to reality, no matter how harsh it is.

10:52 p.m. Update:
I got off the phone with the person I accused of being the center of my frustration, and it turns out, the real core was myself. I was able to learn from what said person had told me during the conversation. This person made me realize I'm not content with myself because I'm nothing but a fake, yes I called myself a fake. I also realized that this individual's intelligence is at a higher level than mine because of the ablility to make me realize I wasn't who I thought I was. I've gained more knowledge thanks to this person, though it seemed like I barely gave anything back. So again I say thank you to that person, and thanks for giving me a push in the back to move forward and face reality for what it is. I'm sorry for the inconveniencesI've caused you and all the others I may have talked to.

I've heard a few people say spring is when new things come forth.

Being the stupid person I am I don't know what it really means. This break, I dunno, it seems so empty. It's boring, I don't go anywhere (though I'm learning how to finally drive), and I feel neglected. Being bored at home, I'm beginning to think about a few things: Where I'm going, how am I gonna get there, what kind of people do I have to deal with, who's still gonna be around when time goes by. I'm sitting and thinking about friends finally and it struck me. I don't even know who the hell my real friends are.

N4 for instance... Seems like I don't fit in anymore. I also thought about my attitude and quite frankly, I'm a huge bitch. I can see why some people don't wanna be around me, but I don't know how I can start changing this. I'm trying but somehow, something always seems to get me pissed off. I have problems, they finally go away, but for one reason or another, they come back and slap me in the back of the head.

My appearance... I worry so much about how I look, I won't lie that I stay in front of the mirror looking and thinking about how I can make myself look better. Working out... I always say I'm gonna do it, but do I? Nope. Something always distracts me and I never get around to doing it. DDR was a source of exercise but I don't even play anymore, wanna know why? I suck at that game, no where near the hardest mode. A lot of times I've thought about what it would be like as the opposite sex... would my life be much more different? Kinda crazy I know...

There's one person I've thought about, and I don't think I'm really favored in that person's eyes, I'm probably just someone to mess with. I'm beginning to develop a certain dislike for that person myself, the problem is, how are others gonna take it. That's another thing, I can't help but worry about what people think of me, my self-esteem is that low. Sure I can keep on a smile, but to be honest, I don't think it's real, it's just something to keep the others content. I'm kinda sick of it all, suicide ain't the answer I know, because there are at least handful that care about my existence, to those people, I thank you, thank you for keeping me alive. As for that someone I developed a sort of hatred for, I'm no longer gonna try to make you content, I'm sick of it all, your influence is just poison to me now.

Last day of summer, I totally can't believe it...
There's things I'm looking foward to though during school: friends.

My summer... how can I sum it up?

I guess it's been boring usually, and... dissapointing, maybe because I got lazy or didn't do the things I really wanted to do, like get into shape, dance more, play tennis... um learn I mean, or play basketball, or drive! >.<

I already know it won't be bored anymore though, because I'll always have something to do at school.
Wow, isn't that odd...? someone who looks foward to school, haha.

I have to work harder this year if I'm gonna try to get into UCI.

Thanks for the break summertime.

Sayonara natsu. Ogenki desu.

I haven't written in this thing for a while...
Well let me write about how things are going.

Bad... bad... bad, and... just plain horrible.
Lonely, frustrated, no emotion, no fun.

I haven't been going out lately, I feel like a huge geek again because I can't do a thing...
I'll probably take my driver's ed thingy online soon, then maybe that'll help in some ways.

I'm usually just at home wasting my life on games(told ya, I'm a huge GEEK!). On top of just staying home, I'm beginning to drift away more and more from my family. I kind of wish I lived alone or with a friend... I can think of a few...

*sigh* Love ya everyone.

Well days have been passing by, still no improvement on what's going on but for some reason now, I feel so content with how things are going. I mean I don't have to pretend to do anything like smile or any of that. I'm feeling better and I hope it stays this way for as long as it possibly can.

Last week of school yay! and i still need to study. Oh well I better hit the books, i gotta get at least a B on Bio and Geometry.

Also... I think I need to go out more, to like the beach or with friends more often. I'm sick of being home it's probably why I've been stressed out.

Anyway I guess you could say that light background has come into action. yay!

I'm not sure if anyone knows what they mean... a dark backgrounf signifies I'm no where near the word happy, and well the light one means I'm feeling better and actually happy about something.

I really wish I could let it be light all the time to show people that I'm alright, but I can't lie, after what had happened before I'm trying to decrease my amount of lies.

School is over next week on thursday, finals are next week too... but it seems as if I don't want to do a thing for it... I'm totally apathetic about it it seems when I should be trying to do my best on studying and focussing, but I can't seem to and I'm just really feeling as if I'm hopeless...

Maybe I am going pessimistic again... is it because he's gone? is it because I have no one to tell me to stop being the way I am now? or is it because I miss someone? or lack someone...?

A ton of "Is it because..."'s are in my head I can't figure out what is wrong with me wholey...

I know I'm lonely, especially at home, I'm not too fond of my family. Is it because I'm not doing anything to strengthen my relationship with them? Was someone right in telling me that I may regret it one day and start missing them?

I feel like crying and I know enough that I feel like I have nothing...

It's just hard to come to a realization that I got everything I need so far yet still need something else...

I wonder how the dark will become light... I hope it happens and stays that way.

Well it's memorial day weekend and still I feel so frustrated and sad, I'm not emo, I don't wanna be that depressed anymore. What makes me even more frustrated is the fact that I'm this way, is there anyway I could get this away from me?

My lil cousins came over for the weekend and I just played video games with them, so I guess that was fun, even though I did get mad once in a while.

I just wonder why I'm still such a wreck, I mean I've met someone who i know I can trust and let out how I feel to but things just aren't going to well at all.

I guess I just want someone who will always be there, I know it sounds so selfish but I guess I don't have anyone like that in my family nor my friends.

I don't feel like talking about my weekend, it wasn't too great at all, it had it's fun parts but very small periods of time, and I guess those times weren't enough to make me happier.

Going back to being a pessimist is what I think I'm going towards, ugh I wish I wouldn't have to.